I live an hour and a half away from my mother and father. This winter has not been kind, and because of the weather I have not always been able to get to my childhood home to see my parents as often as I would like. I feel like I am trying to play catch-up in a game I will never, ever, win. It is that dream where you are trying to run but are stuck in perpetual slow motion. Every day that goes by I fade more and more from my mother's memory. Her ambivalence toward me is painful. I tell myself that it's because I am the youngest, and therefor she hasn't had as many years of me to remember. Or it's because I live so far away and can't be there everyday to force her to see me and take me into her mind. Or because I am also a mother, and so I choose to not drive in treacherous weather so my own child will not suffer.

I called my Dad today, like I try to every day, and he sounded weary. Again. I have shared here before that my mother is like a toddler, but now she seems like a naughty puppy, causing havoc when left unattended for 5 seconds. She has been driving my Dad crazy by pulling all of her clothes out and scattering them around, or trying to wear 3 outfits at the same time. He tries to put the clothes away, she tries to "help," it's chaos.

I have been feeling this overwhelming need to tell my mother I am sorry, but I'm not sure for what. Sorry for the times I was an asshole. Sorry I didn't listen better when she tried to teach me to sew. Sorry I didn't make enough money to place her lovingly and delicately in the Cadillac of facilities. Sorry that I couldn't stop this from happening.

When I called today I asked my Dad if she could talk on the phone. Maybe I would tell her "Sorry, Mom." It's so weird to hear your familiar mother's voice and have something so foreign come out of her mouth. Not that long ago she would at least string words together but about half of of what she said today was gibberish. I decided not to say it. Before she got ill she would have responded to my apology by saying "What? You have nothing to apologize for! I love you! You're a good kid. You worry too much."

Maybe in the asshole department we are even. I have taken about a teenager's worth of sarcasm from her on this journey.